Your birthday is the same day as Mothers Day. I dont think there is any deciding until we actually see this baby girl. I am doing the best I can, working as fast as I can, but I also know this cannot be rushed. You are a writer, plain and simple. I picked up Starbucks. Well, not insane, but intense. Your Sparkly just looked at me and said, No matter what this is, my book is already written. "My darling. I have tried to be as productive as possible. Today, I didnt see anything I liked and I just wanted to rip everything off of the racks. We sat outside of her office and I told her some things that I dont share with just anyone. Thank you for all the Roideas today. was when it was all I could do not to crawl under the table and curl up in a ball. I wanted you so badly, to be in the kitchen cooking with me, like we used to do. There is not a part of me that is doing any of this for myself because I dont live for myself anymore.This life I live now is not about me anymore. Lots to do but all I really want to do is be busy taking care of you. If that doesnt scare the shit out of you, nothing will. I think Lacrosse is a good start. And maybe a little less sad. Its taken a lot of work to get us to go on in our day to day lives, together, as a family, with such a huge void that never goes away. About you and all of these other kids who are dying left and right from childhood cancer.I am so thankful for the people who are now paying attention and fighting the good fight, but I just dont understand whythe wholeworld isnt in an uproar over this. I let you think you were being naughty, just to make you giggle and to let you feel like you were breaking the rules. I came home from the Hamptons, as fast as I could, waited as patiently as I could to get to the hospital and plop a big fat kiss on that old mans forehead and look into his sparkly eyes. Because I'm still in love with you - ROCKSTAR RONAN What is wrong with me? Ambien won. To feel everything I know I am going to be feeling. They are like the air I breathe and I inhale them as much as I can. He is quite simply probably one of the few reasons that I am still alive. I worry about it with your brothers, too. Alone. Come on, settle down. I love you. As frustrated and sad as I am, this just motivates me more to continue this fight. I had a flashback to the days of when I used to ohhhh and awwww over baby girl clothes. Fucking cancer. The things you learn at 2 a.m. Its been a long and busy day. I let myself get lost in my baking. Yes, The White House should be GOLD. A city where the happy is too loud so lets go away to the coldbeach. Sweet dreams. I poked my head up out of bed to get a peek at your daddy who was stripping sheets, washing blankets, and tending to your brothers. Maybe Ill start baking. I was rocking her yesterday and your daddy came in to check on us. I will get through it the best I can, just like I did last year. Nobody deserves to get cancer, but especially not children. I let the tears come, too. Our conversations area always easy and honest. Nothing out of the ordinary happened, but before I knew it, I was sobbing so hard it was all I could do to make it to my car before my tears formed puddles at my feet and I just slowly drowned. They didnt judge me. Who is the jackass that made up that wise saying? That pain becomes less as time goes on. You werent naughty. Do I need to get on a plane to come home? ! I started to cry. We had a little debate that I took a stance on and refused to back down. Ron Starr - Wikipedia There is no other way to explain how that man knows the darkest parts of my soul and heart, yet he is not afraid. Ronan. THANK YOU. Homemade crust. She told me I could have chosen to do anything after losing you, but this chose me and its what I will do for the rest of my life. Today you will be slapped in the face with the reminder that everything is AWESOME in AZ because it is a perfectly sunny happy fucking day. I love you so much. Pregnancy. She needs a break and this trip is just what the doctor ordered. After the Lacrosse game, we all went to lunch. He promised to help me fuck cancer and Im not letting him go anywhere other than here, to do that. I will never stop fighting for all that was taken away from you. I miss you. "My darling. I will never understand this. Thanks to all of the amazing people you are just throwing my way, thanks to this blog, and thanks to the most kind hearted, generous people in the world, I now have a new home. I was told I was in fact not having a mid life crisis, that everything I am feeling is just due to losing you which I of course already knew, but it was nice to hear it from a rational person. I miss being on the go 24/7. Do you think Im dying? I love you. Thats what landed me in bed and somehow sucked me into the land of reality television which is so far from reality that it makes me want to barf. Today, while I sat in the room full of absolute brilliance everywhere, I noticed there were 2 things missing. Thank you, sweet strangers. Whats wrong? Beauty. Ive am living in a war zone every single day. I started to cry. This pregnancy/growing your baby sister is hard freaking work. Its starting to annoy me. I am as always, wiped out. "My darling. I took Becca and Stacy there today. You know you have my utmost respect, always. That is basically like naming her Wooddawg. I had to laugh at that. Ah, for those of you who have also been asking the logo for Ronans Foundation is a little seal, because that is what his name means Irish and Gaelic. Someday, I will tell you. I sobbed into the phone. In a way that I havent been able to do since you died. I WILL DO ANYTHING. My cheeks were soaked with tears after being hit with those 3 things. I have the best doctor I know in Omaha at the ER waiting for you. I needed the blackness of the night that only exists due to this little frienemy of mine. I begged and pleaded with you once again in the parking garage. I wake up exhausted. I left there, feeling like my heart was going to explode from the pain of missing you. It started with that phone call from your Mr. Sparkly Eyes while I was out in the Hamptons with your Poppy sister. He asked if it was hard for meto bein there with her. I'm landing close to midnight. I slept for about 16 hours straight. It doesnt work. I know this lesson they are learning in life and about your story will shape them in a way that they will go on to do amazing things. It was my agent, Nena. I so badly, wanted my little sidekick and partner in crime. I even had to tell your Nana, not to come. I decide to start today with, enough is enough. How can words comfort that? I am a natural born mother. Im too sick to laugh. The devil was kind of fun to dance with. He laughed at that. I know she did not have to do this. Ronan. I love you. I woke up soon after that, totally freaked out by the baby in my dream, talking. Holla! Such amazing little boys they are. I miss you. Liam has been going on some runs with me at night, but I had no idea he could run 3.6 miles in 30 minutes. on A city where the happy is too loud so lets go away to the coldbeach, Not a life full of beauty but one full of beautiful momentsinstead, From what I can see here, it looks like you are having a baby. I sat quietly in your room for a while. maya thompson - Page 6 - ROCKSTAR RONAN I am so excited to meet this beautiful gift you have given us. So weird, but Ill take it. I ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I am such a true believer in this, especially in the world I live in now. THANK YOU. I sent your Mr. Sparkly Eyes a text. Sorry if that was TMI, but if youve ever carried a baby, you know what I am talking about. No trace of black oblivion coma, existed. I miss you. THANK YOU. By making the one dearest to my heart, o.k. I will take this Macegiving to count the things that I am thankful for, on one hand. I took everything she said to heart and appreciated her willingnessto be so open and honest with me. This makes me mad and sad and I want to scream from the rooftops how unfair this all is because I know you would have grown up to do such amazing things in this world. Where are you? He responded with In a meeting. Or so the outside world seems to think. I love you. The house was dark and our kitchen table was empty. I had no idea that I had little runners in our family! They are both so excited. Thanks for writing them. little man. This is all for now. Stop making everything so much more complicated than it really is. Sometimes I pretend like I am watching a movie or reading a book of a stranger who is living the life that I am living. Please keep all the other people out there, who may be going through a hard time, in your thoughts. I will forever go on searching for you in this messed up world full of things that dont make sense. I am a good mother. I hope you are safe. We dont have many plans for the weekend. 0 faves. Tell me what I can do for you. Thank you for never forgetting my little guy who continues to inspire you daily. I cannot keep up with everything that is going on and life seems to running at an outrageous speed. This book writing has left me not sleeping or eating well and may be part of the reason why I feel like Im no the verge of a breakdown. The lady started measuring some things. Ahhhh! I would like May 9th to be National F U Cancer day. "Ronan" was released on September 8, 2012, as a charity song by Taylor Swift. Im in route back to Phoenix on your 21 months since you left this earth. I'm scattered today; nervous about meeting with the doctor in San Francisco. Yes. Fernanda came up with the brilliant idea to find an actual mannequin and dress him up like Captain Rex to look like he is playing next to the tree. How some people try so hard to become a writer and they just dont have the natural ability that I have. Anything That Has To Do With You and New YorkCity. He is someone you loved so much. Mama! Im looking for you. I missed you tonight, when we were riding in our old jeep to the restaurant. You were the best thing thats ever been mine. I feel like that, all the time. Mr. Sparkly Eyes called. I dont understand how even watching your daddy and brothers, watch football is normal now. This is my purpose. It felt like it today. I dont remember that, but apparently I wrote it so it must be true. September 2022 - ROCKSTAR RONAN I just want you back. I tappedon our kitchen the window. I only wish it were your body wearing it. But staying home this week has made me realize that I am beyond wiped out, carrying a real life baby, and almost starting my 3rd trimester. Gosh, how I loved to embrace your little spicy rebellious ways. Please, Ronan. Through my sadness, grief, pain. I can feel it. I guess it was good that I had a fairly quiet week because I am going to need to find my energy for this weekend. I cannot take the things down from your room, only to fill them with something new. I am forever so very sorry I couldnt fix you. I did my best all week to do the normal mom things that I have to do to run our house. NOWHERE. 10 on Billboard Rock albums chart. She could not believe it. You have to be mentally and physically exhausted, sweetheart. Not many people can say that about themselves. I also got to see a good friend of mine, Kristi, and it is always fun to spend some time with her. He was proud of the advice he gave me that I listened to. Eventually, reality always comes back and smacks me in the face though. An ear infection, counting my blessings! My days are mostly spent taking care of her while continuing to fight for you and all that was stolen from us. My time sucked but today, I had nothing to prove at all. I can do a city, all alone, and badass, any other month, but not this month. Oh, Ive also been taking the best care ever of your Poppy sister 24/7. I hung up and listened to your Sparkly and went back to sleep for the next 8 hours. There happiness is how I judge good days now. Ummmm ouch!!! I saw my OBGYN as well. The sweet lady told me it was. May 9th. She looked at me and said, How are you not so overwhelmed?! He came in beaming and so happy. 4 boys but there should have been 6. Last night, Ronan, I had the most vivid dream. A baby girl and now this?! Ive been hiking like crazy, with Poppy in tow of course. Through her tears she told me she was sorry, but how proud she was of all the things we are doing. He knows that Ive been staying up late, working on this book and I listened to him as he said with urgency in his voice, that I need to get this done so I can Fuck Cancer. I know what the urgency meant. I am also very productive at 2 a.m. But oh, how much fun would a little baby girl be. It was a great night, to say the least. I was aching to see your little face so badly that I wanted to throw up. THANK YOU. Poppy is developing such a little personality and at 7 months, is already trying to walk. I gave in after trying everything to go to sleep last night, and popped my old friend, Ambien. I told you that. 34 and being pregnant can suck it. We very much needed a pow wow session. I have taught myself it is better to go into something not expecting a thing that way less disappointments occur. Even when you have a dead kid, life just goes on. I sat quietly and watched as he bounced your baby sister on his lap and kissed her up and down. Of course I am happy to see them but its you I want to see the most and you are never there, waiting for me with the 3 of them like you should be. To feel happy. It is being worked on and will be re launched soon as we also have a new foundation logo to unveil. Glenda says: July 28, 2011 . You know in my obsessive exercising eating nothing world before I was pregnant, I would have never touched a pie. I went to see Dr. JoRo. Dear Grief/Pregancy, You will NOT kill mysoul. Which is why I may have such a big problem with being out in the real world now. Forever friends because of the unthinkable bond that we share. A couple of things dawned on me tonight after I dropped by dinner to your Mr. Sparkly Eyes. Now if I can only get those brothers of yours on Team Poppy. I felt myself panic. Mr. Sparkly Eyes called. My list will include the things that are truly important such as the health of your brothers, this Poppy baby, your daddy, our loved ones and for all the people who have been touched by your story and who are helping keep you alive in a way. I think I will wear black all day long. me: UGH. Sweet dreams, baby boy. I peeked through our kitchen window from the outside of our house before going in. It took my breath away. Please. I looked down at the floor and thought for a bit. I thank you for him, every single day. Her little face is all filled out. I have had to regroup from that blow and go back to square one. Let the strategizing, begin. I dont know why you continue to do things like this. It was around 10, that I heard them both crawl into bed with me. I met with one editor from a certain publishing house, more than once. You have nothing to be sorry for.. They stuck by me during my darkest of days. Just when I have been struggling on a little side project the past few days. Quinn just threw sand at me! Then throwing the sand back. Not right now, but someday you wont be this sad., Me: Im so sad all the time. I could describe him in a thousand different ways. I find myself sitting and trying to process all of this on a deeper level but I mostly just sit in disbelief that this world hasto bewithout you. I dont get a life full of beauty, only moments. Ill bet you are the WORST sick patient ever. We spent hours upon hours talking about it. Im so excited. I love you, Ro. I trust in you. How can it already be 2 years since you left this earth? I told her alright for the most part. Instead, I grabbed Rachel and took her with me. I will see you tomorrow.. Goodnight boys, Goodnight, Ro. I managed to say. Next month. 6 would have been much better. I do think this is true. Quinn was eating a piece of steak beside me. The day you left me is almost here. It shouldnt be, because of this beyond fucked up fuckery that she is surviving. Thank RO for that daddy of yours. All day long when I am rocking her in your bedroom and she is looking all around. Goodnight, mommy. Thanks for making it rain on him the other night while he was out for a walk with his mama. They offered to buy a new one. So I shoved the phone away and rocked myself as I sob and cry and cry. Happy Birthday pic for our Mr. Sparkly Eyes | Maya Thompson - Flickr They deserve more compassionate treatments. Its too much, especially at this point in your life., Me: But I always do these things alone. I told her I wasnt going to. We talked about some other things. She did not make me feel like the crazy person that I was feeling like which was so nice of her to do. Ronan. Its so funny. Happily. Because I know you would want it to be this way. Thats how its been this past week. THANK YOU. I inhaled it, hoping for it to smell like you. I dont like being in our house, without you. I know you all worry when I am quiet, but I promise I am o.k. I love you. We have decided my next one will be at 26 weeks. I told you it was a word! I never have and never will. I know she meant it because she is such a true friend like that. You are back now so please just take these next few days to just stop. He told me he thought I was being a little harsh. Pediatic Cancer is about to get FUCKED! You know what comes next though. with you being somewhere else. There is no way I can even fathom the thought of taking down your things and packing them away. Where is Ronan? I love you to the moon and back. The ultimate sacrifice. My heart will forever be broken in a way that is just not repairable. Your questions are sweet. THANK YOU. THANK YOU. She helped me get through the day. Ronan really wanted a girl. I love you, Liz. I finished the lake and my knee actually felt o.k. I will forever be sorry, sad, and brokenhearted. Slow down. No sleep needed. Its a baby girl. I watched his eyes light up in a way that his often do, when he is truly happy. You know how he loves to play devils advocate with me. What a day. It was a balloon with a card and a little baggie attached to it. I remember being really sad because this I so wanted this baby to be you, but it was not. I am so proud of them both not only today, but always. Just because I am tired and sick does not mean I have to roll over and totally give into that, right?? He is doing such a good job, of watching over me for you. I read your blog every day and as a father your strength and love is simply amazing!! I just sat and cried into the phone. I will always look for you though. Those two, will always go by their nicknames. Now I feel like I am in prison. Ill be sorry for the rest of my life. When I'm not writing to you on the blog, I feel like a bad mom to you. This led to him calling my phone. There is a lot of business to attend to, but that never gets in the way of the love and laughter that fills our house while those girls are here. Ronan. Dr. Sholler gets in Friday night to me my surrogate runner and I am so excited to see her and have her here. My week has kind of gotten away from me. After I left my friend, I ran to the store. My heart started pounding. And it was to childhood cancer. I would like to think so. I mean, I think your big blue eyes are the most compelling piece of evidence ever of why this disease deserves to have a better outcome. Today is an amazing example of good things that will keep me going. She makes me be still and quiet in a way that is not forced. I guess if it doesnt touch your life personally, it is easier just to look the other way and go about your business. I fall asleep easily much of the time, only to wake up like clock work around the time you passed away. Something these families and kids so deserve when going through something like this. Im so sorry for all you had to go through. I am sorry. Fo shizzle. I am trying not to panic about it all, but I said to your daddy tonight, We need to come up with alast minuteMay plan, because Icant behere. He promised me he would, so I am trying to relax a bit about it but it has still been keeping me awake at night. He made me promise that I would rest and put my feet up. I have not been sleeping well. How much your absence is always felt. We sat and caught up. She is so lucky to have you. He responded back with a simple, I will. I said, I know. I was in a world that I normally dont live in anymore. I dont do well with them. He was so tiny and frail. That phone call that left me with my head going to the worst possible places and telling myself I wouldnt survive this big of a loss, once again. I asked Stacy and Fernanda about it. I sent my Mr. Sparkly Eyes a text and told him how I could not get out of bed. Trying to live this life the best I can, without you. Im sorry, Im sorry, Im sorry., Him: Stop saying youre sorry. I dont know if this made me feel better, but I appreciated her taking the time to talk about the questions I have. If it is, fix it. Once again, I am so grateful and humbled by the kindness of strangers. This is such a pattern, him in my dreams, always when I am dreaming about you in whatever way that I am. I had a flashback of that time I was coming home from somewhere and as I pulled into our house, I could see all of you sitting at our table, eating dinner. I hope you are safe. But because I know what happens when I listen to that song.

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